


Depression

by stark2ash



Series: Aro/Ace Avengers [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Awareness Week, Aromantic Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Identity Issues, Internalized Arophobia, Queer Themes, clint isn't a dick nat's just having a personal crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26454670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stark2ash/pseuds/stark2ash
Summary: "Fall in love, go through all those happy stages that you only get with someone who really understands you?""I understand you.""I mean like someone you can share absolutely everything with, and they're still by your side."And ouch, that kind of stung.
Series: Aro/Ace Avengers [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825051
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Depression

“I’m not sure if I like this shape,” Pepper said. “It’s flattering, sure, but is it me?”

Natasha cracked an eye open from her horizontal position on the boutique couch. “I think the last one looked better, but I like the lace on this.” She nudged Clint with the toe of her boot. “Mr. Opinionated, anything to add?”

“I definitely think you should go with the open neckline concept, it would look so much better with your necklace.” Clint had one leg crossed over the other, reading through his notes on the other dresses. “Plus, you said you wanted an updo, and that won’t look as good with the one you have on.”

Pepper looked in the mirror, twisted her hair into a sloppy bun, and grimaced. “You’re absolutely right. I’m going to put the other one on again.” She stepped off the slight pedestal and walked back into the dressing room, hiking up the excess fabric as she moved.

Clint slumped down on his side of the couch, his head resting next to Natasha’s. “I love weddings, but this has taken hours. Who knew that someone who makes huge company decisions daily could be so indecisive?”

“You could be over with Tony and the guys going through every possible suit and tie combo.” Nat closed her eyes again. “And the pocket squares. Endless combinations. It might actually take them longer.”

“My beauty school cover finally paid off,” Clint agreed. “Now if you only used my makeup tips, I could be helping you say yes to the dress.”

“I’ve gotten married before, didn’t really suit me.” Nat pushed herself up from her position and reached for her water, which was resting on the table in front of them. “Killed him three days later.”

Clint rolled his eyes. “No, but wouldn’t it be great to finally settle down? Find someone, fall in love, go through all those happy stages that you only get with someone who really understands you?” He leaned back on the couch and stretched.

“I understand you.”

“Yeah, I know but not like that. I mean like someone you can share absolutely everything with, and they’re still by your side.”

And ouch, that kind of stung, because they had been partners for eight years and she thought they knew each other pretty well. He could map out the scars on her body and bring her back when she shut down, and she listened to him recount stories from when he was a kid on the run and had patched him up after missions more times than either of them could count. It must have shown on her face, because Clint screwed up his face in an apologetic manner. “No, that’s not what – okay, how much have you ever been in love. Like, gone past just liking someone?”

She frowned, searching through her memories to find a glimmer of those feelings. “There was never anyone to like.” The Red Room was all girls and a few male instructors, and she had heard infrequent whispers about girls finding them attractive, but it never made sense to her. They were training them to kill, and would kill them if they failed. Hard to fall in love with that. And then at SHEILD, most people were scared of her, or avoided her after Clint brought her in. “I suppose that one guy that does the desk on floor 18 is kind of cute.” She looked at Clint directly, trying to discern his reaction.

For the first time in the conversation, Clint looked a little confused. “But if you actually liked him, wouldn’t you know his name?” Natasha winced, then shrugged. Was it not enough to simply appreciate looks from a distance? Relationships within SHIELD weren’t allowed, so why would she ever approach something that wasn’t even an option? “So you’ve never really liked anyone?” His face was twisted, like he was trying to understand a difficult angle calculation.

It felt like Steve all over again, when she kissed him in the middle of the mall as a distraction and when they broke apart, he looked at her a little differently. She didn’t clock it until they were in the car, but when she was teasing him about his past relationships, he insisted that he had kissed other people before. And being a morally upright, all-American, proud piece of history, she knew that meant that those people had meant something to him. She had kissed plenty of people, sure, but there was always some element of deception, an underlying motive that was driving it. She’d never kissed anyone because she really wanted to before.

“I like you,” she said, knowing that it wasn’t what he was talking about. “I like the way the team hangs out after missions and how we fight over seats on the couch. I like how Tony gets so focused on a project that he pours orange juice into his cereal and how Bruce leaves his sweaters in the lab. I like how we cover each other’s backs no matter what and how I can trust my team and my friends with my life.” She shifted her eyes away. “But I’ve never loved anyone the way you’re describing.”

“Do you think…” Clint trailed off, looking like he was trying to put his sentence together. “In the Red Room, the graduation ceremony.” Nat closed her eyes, trying to wipe away the memory. “Is it possible they did anything else? Something that would keep you from loving people?”

A voice she hadn’t heard in a long time crept through her mind, bringing her back to beds with handcuffs and dance classes and targets.

_The best Widow forms no connections, no allies, no partners. You were chosen well._

The whole no kids thing hadn’t taken long to get over. Adoption was a thing, but her lifestyle didn’t really accommodate parenthood. But everyone fell in love, right?

A ball of dread settled somewhere in her stomach. Her emotions were always a little hard to come by. After so many years of manipulation, creating new covers and burying herself in them, and of hiding any trace of what she was really feeling, her work has slowly crept into her personal life until she had to remember to express normal reactions around her friends. She’d kind of come to the assumption that she would know love (or at least interest) when she saw it, and that it would trigger some sort of wave of emotions, like everyone always said. “No. They would have bragged about it.” And she knew it was true, they had always complimented her on her natural ability to not bond with others, but never took responsibility for it. “Maybe I just can’t get close to anyone like that. I’ll never find that kind of connection.”

Clint looked at her with a wavering smile. “Don’t say that, you’ll find it someday. You’re too great for someone to pass up.” The dressing room curtain opened, and Pepper walked out, the second dress back on with a soft veil and Tony’s shrapnel necklace lightly brushing her skin. He rose to meet her, helping her step onto the platform, her back toward the mirror as he straightened the veil.

Natasha stood back, watching Pepper adjust the sleeves on her dress. Her whole life, she prided herself on her ability to remove herself from her emotions, to make sure she would escape unscathed from any circumstance. But she hadn’t done this, she would have remembered doing this. Ripping out her ability to love would have stuck in her mind, whether it was her or her Red Room handlers. Did it make it worse, then, if she had been born broken? They watched Pepper turn to the front of the mirror and gasp with happiness.

Natasha felt distant.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, check out the other parts of this series!


End file.
